Its 2:27 AM and I'm still awake. My right nostril is clogged from crying. I just took an Advil Pm so I can go to sleep and I'm smoking the second to last Black and mild I have. I need to sleep and I want to sleep. I have plans tomorrow. One big plan and a smaller plan. I'm alone save for my 4 cats. If there is anything i hate its this situation and this situation is not new to me at all. There have been too many sleepless, tear filled nights, BY MY SELF. I'm scrolling through my music to find something to suit my mood. Iris by Live, I love that song. The lyrics are true to my existence in so many ways. I'm so tired of crying alone. I'm tired of felling like I Have to, MUST cry and hurt by myself. What i do tomorrow may seal that for me. Although I know that is somewhat all in my head. I don't have to be alone, but I know nothing else. I have friends, but only recently has it been ok in my own head to let them see me cry when I'm sober. Only recently has it been ok to admit to my own faults and personal insecurities. There is a freedom in sharing this but my walls are still up. I've lowered them only slightly, but they still exist to such an unhealthy degree.
Since as far back as I can remember crying by myself at night alone, often about being and feeling alone has been normal. Its less common now, I'm 29 so it stands to reason, but I can say that between the ages of 4 and 20 something its been there. I want to know how and when it ends. Now I'm listening to Love me by Obie Trice ft. Eminem. This is usually the song i listen to when I'm angry, sick and tired. When I can't handle the injustice. When I wish I could just tell people they need to back up and stay out of my face. I'm lighting my last black and mild. I hope i fall asleep before I finish it or I wont have anything for my wake up smoke.
I'm awake and aware. I'm a mess. A mess I'm tired of being. For a control freak being a mess is so disconcerting. I've been trying much more lately to clean up my mess. This means cleaning out my closet, being brutally honest with myself and a touch harshly honest with others. That is the choice now. I wrote down what i wanted to say in a letter to read to him face to face. I wanted to practice and be able to read it without breaking down and stumbling over my words even though its a deeply emotional situation. That is such false thoughts and beliefs though. But i am a control freak. I feel like the letter has less relevance now, but i wrote it from my heart. My mind keeps changing though.
Why am I awake, because I keep thinking. I keep remembering things that i pushed into he back of my mind. Things that are relevant but i didn't want to face or think about. I recently told a friend of mine that he needed to own his faults and fix them. I was truly talking to myself when I said it, but then again we both share similar faults and issues. Why is it so hard to find mournful songs when u want to cry. Ok 4am by Our Lady Peace, that one is relevant to how i feel now. I know I need to say it tomorrow I can't keep putting it off. I can't keep finding reasons to wait for a right time. There will never be a right time to do this. Life will continue to go on while I pause. Its 2:53 now. The words to the song right now, "I hope to God, I figure out what's wrong". Yes that's how I feel. I know some of what is wrong. But until I do something about it, it will continue to be wrong.
I am afraid. Until a friend confronted me awhile ago about me being afraid of things i took someone saying that as a grave insult. An insult that could only be settled by a glove slap and a duel to the death. Another song Dam at Otter Creek by live. I never liked the words afraid or alone. To me people that felt these feelings were weak and pathetic. They got what they deserved for feeling like that. I of course was talking about myself, because I knew in my head that was me. But I would never admit it openly. To admit it would mean I gave other people the right to look down at me the way I look down at myself. The way I despise myself for having and feeling these human emotions. For not being able to logic away emotions. For so long I've held my intelligence as my shield. Being able to solve puzzles, get A's in class, and be organized gave me the only reasons to not feel like I actually feel lonely, alone, and afraid. How could someone smart be so weak? Rhetorical question.
The closer I get to being who I want to be in the future, to do what I want in my life the more I face there are deeper things that are holding me back from doing them sooner. My pride gets in my way, my false sense of security, and false self esteem. Self esteem based solely on the quantitative and qualitative value of my brain. I rather ignore my heart, I see it as a failing a thing that will only get in my way and make me stumble. It is not truly that. I make it that way but ignoring it.
Tomorrow do I admit my own failing and ignore the other persons, I cant fix them. I tried at a point to fix them. Do I make them known because i care for the person so they might fix them. I'm not sure what I will do. I don't have a speech prepared. I wont be able to use my metaphors and similes, and flowery amusing language. I probably will cry. I know i will cry. I wont try to hold it back I have no reason to. I have my right to cry and hurt. I just now thought what if the other person wants to comfort me. I did not consider that before. I never do. I dont consider other people's compassion and understanding towards me. I dont expect it and often I dont accept it. I see that as an insult. I dont even feel worthy of it. My pain is my own and I dont wish to share it with others. I'm not willing to let them in far enough most of the time to see and know they have the same problems. I'm relighting my black and mild hoping it holds out. It is half gone.
I an co-pendant. It hurt what i had. I let it bring me down. I must always be strong; I can understand and empathize with other people's pain. I am all too willing to help them get past it, but my own I must bare and suffer alone. Now Down In a Hole By Alice in Chains. I have no idea what the other person will say. I have no clue even though I've know them for some time. I also didn't know them because I keep people at arms length. I refused to ask questions because I felt i had no right to and I had no place. If i asked questions I would be seeing myself as pushy. I would be wanting things I dont deserve.
There is a problem I feel i dont deserve anything better. I confuse it with what I think is a far greater crime, being a nosy and overly entitled female. I dont like those. Perhaps my sleeping pill is kicking in. I wont if I will dream. Will I be able to hold onto at least part of what I am about to give up. But I can't keep on lying and dealing in illusions. The glass has shattered on the globe and now there is nothing to make the fake snow fall anymore. Cumbersome by Seven Mary Three. I'm having a hard time holding my head up. My right nostril is clear now. its 3:21 AM. I'm struggling to stay awake. Struggling to find clarity and peace. I will probably call a few people tomorrow before I tell the person what I've been holding back for so long. I am not ready to deal with the after math. I'm not ready to feel all the pain, but I have to do it. I am scared. I am determined though. But this will change everything. I don;t know what will happen and I hate not having control. I hate something or other... I can't focus or stay awake. Sleep is a blessing. I have to take it. 3:26 AM.
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