Danny, John, Monty, Brett, Aaron, Antonio, Robert. Today my friend asked me to name six guys that had rejected me in the past. These are just the guys i can remember and the ones i liked the most. I can't on any number of fingers and hands how many guy didn't reject me but i rejected them. I had no interest at all in a lot of them. There's a specific kind of guy I really like. I love nerds, I like the nice guys. The deal is i'm not a nice girl. I can be a nice person I'm not so much friendly as I have people skills and i know customer service. That's not the same as being friendly believe me. And this may be the reason why I never got some of these nice guys. I'm bossy, my tongue is sharp, my jokes are dirty, my outfits are provocative at times, my attitude is confrontational, and my nature is interdependent.
When it comes to competing against "average" females i fall totally short. When it comes to standing out amongst average females I come off as more of a sore thumb than a rose among the brambles. I'm tall, slim, small chest, narrow hipped, i dont wear my natural hair out, and I still have a gap and overbite. I dont cook, go to church, let guys hold the door open for me, or allow anyone to stand up for me. I'm not by a long shot comfortable being female or feminine outside of liking the clothes and shoes. I hate the words pretty, cute, and sexy. I see them as insults because to me females that are those things aren't smart. I'm too smart to be those things and i dont want to be seen as less because of my physical appearance. It is possible to be sexy and smart, of course; but at the same time people will see and respond to the sexy way before and even instead of the intelligence. I dont want to make myself available to any guy that isn't the kind of guys i like. All the rest can go to hell.
The rejection that comes from the guys i like just reaffirms to me that "I'm not good enough". The things that make me Monica and make me different are the things that make me unappealing. The things that make the shorter, less intelligent, less independent, cuter, quieter, nicer girls the ones my nice guy nerds want. How dare the nerds not want me but the losers do. The losers flock around and sweat me because they dont know me. Even though I'm not voluptuous they are still interested. To me its just because they are losers and they will take what they can get. They aren't interested because i'm special they are interest because I'm female and I have a vagina, that's all they require. That's a slap in the face I wont accept.
My friend asked me what I was looking for, what I wanted. I feel like what I want doesn't exist. I want a guy I want that wants me back. He want to know me and understand me, he'll like and appreciate my quirks, he'll appreciate my independence and strength not be offended by it. He wont mind that i get on my soapbox ranting about injustice and reform. He'll love the fact that I can quote The Simpsons and Archer. He'll love my four cats and not mind that they want to sleep on his head at night. He wont make promises that he can't or wont keep and when he does, he'll apologize and listen and respect my feelings about it. He'll know i'm bossy but he'll stand his ground when he's right and comprise when i'm right. He'll be strong, but sensitive and secure enough to be real with his emotions and trust me enough to share them with me. He'll be laid back and nerdy but freak like he's the Hulk.
